Prose piece about Susan Russell

In this six-page prose piece, Lucy writes of her complex feelings toward her family members, particularly her mother.

Lucy Russell

ca. 1963-1965

Lucy Russell fonds, Box 6, File 2

[Page 1]
Find me the truth about this:

We have Susan;
We have our necessary identity because of her,
We have the appearance of the rejecting mother,
(--a nightmare, as such).
We have the understanding (conjectural) of the action of a person, the necessities & pressures of a person.
We have the list—(under 3, above)
Susan as the betraying mother, and the 5-year-old child;
Susan as the rejecting wife, denying Father’s love, and the 10-year-old-child,
The 5- & 7-year old child;
Susan as the cool visitor, now not
Seen as such, and the 10-year-old child.

[Page 2]
Susan as the wicked one, in grandmother’s dream.
Susan as the unreliable, in S. Williams-Ellis’ projected (by me) dream.
Susan as the warm mother, in the Kingsmuir-environment;
Susan as the cold mother; later imagined as the Kingsmuir-environment
(--different time--).
Susan in connection with Bron, seen as a woman among conflicts –(by her; not being the personal angle; the conflicts seen by me to be seen by her, centred around us).
Susan as the original mother, nursing a baby—me.
Susan as seen by Griff—our mother, her employer & the family, I think frowned on by Griff (how seen?).
--A friend, a woman in difficulties? (What she Griff knew of the family roundabout).

[Page 3]
Susan in the myth of a husband & son in Llanwrst.
Susan as the last sheep, as seen by the Lindsays.

And we have the inevitable rejection of identity through her apparent rejection of us; none of us would recognize we were still Susan’s child.

Search for identity, as:
Daddy was ‘Daddy’ to Sarah,
Not John as he is,
Nor John as he was,
Nor John as Daddy,
But the lost Daddy, the Missing Daddy, the now father-figure.
John was not Daddy to Anne; she didn’t belong; he didn’t identify her, she wasn’t included;

[Page 4]
She was chased out more by Dora & by Moreton Hall & Bertie & Edith, unwittingly?
(Who has--Dora—aggravated all the problems of everyone by careless dealings by injudicious action & conclusions, by unfairness, by refusing to try to understand).

I felt chased out by Daddy, & could not replace John by Daddy;
He became a nightmare,
John was not Daddy, Daddy was not John; like Anne, I could not seek an identity from him.
Nor from all-uncomprehending Dora, as Sarah could & did,
Nor from Kate, as Sarah could & did, but from Roddy; & how definite? What did I know of him? What did I know he knew of me?

[Page 5]
There remained Bertie & Edith,
Who I fought, refused to comprehend,
Relied on, substituted & substituted for; & finally overthrew as family figures only to make fun of them;
Friends with them, I was going to say.

Logic—
Sarah did not identify with them. She identified with John as Daddy (not Daddy as John) & with Kate & other figures.

John could not identify Anne;
John could not give Anne an identity. Susan & Euan could,
But were not family & could not be, could not make it.

Rejection of Susan as usual, as useful, resulted in chaos.
I have to say I am her daughter, do what she will, say what she will, say what they may.

Why should she not do what she will?
I can understand, but I can’t forgive, there’s a hole.
What can I do to mend the hole?
--Understand, & absorb the understanding, or understanding.
Make a woman where a mother should be, a person in whole.

[Page 6]
Where I want affection,
& understand why she couldn’t,
Shouldn’t, or doodn’t [sic],
Actively prolong it.

I’m a dummy-nose baby.

Site of the replica.
(my heart).
Who is it?
Two tarts.
Too hard.
Who is it? No-one.
No-one.